The Five Love Languages of Children

If you are like me, your children are the light of your life.  Because we love our kids so much, we assume they know it!  but it is entirely possible that the way you communicate your love to your children is not the way that makes them FEEL loved.  Their emotional tank may be running close to empty,if they are not given love in the “language” they understand.  Just like adults, children have a primary way that they give and receive love.  It could be any of the five love languages identified by Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages of Children: Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, or words of Affirmation.

When children are very young, it can be hard to discern what their love language is.  Especially before the age of five, it is important to speak all five love languages to your child.  The good news is, as they get older their love language becomes more apparent.  So how do you spot it?  Here are some tips from Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages of Children:

1.  Observe how your child expresses love to you. The author explains it this way:  “If your child frequently gives you words of affirmation such as, ‘Mommy, I loved supper,’ or ‘Daddy, thanks for helping me with my homework,’ or ‘I love you Mommy’ or ‘Have a good day, Dad,’ you can rightly suspect that his primary love language is words of affirmation.  Children will often express love in the language they desire most to receive.”

2.  Observe how your child expresses love to others. I see this in my son Zach, whose primary love languages are Gifts and Acts of Service.  During 3rd grade, he saved up many of the tickets he earned during class for good behavior, completed homework, etc.  He used his tickets on the last day of school to buy everyone in the class a sucker.  I’ve also noticed that if someone comes to our house and comments that they like something, like a decoration, he will say, “Would you like it?  You can have it!” (I have to keep that kid from giving away my furniture!)

3.  Listen to what your child requests most often. The author says, “If your child often asks you to play games with her, take a walk together, or sit and read a story to her, she is requesting quality time.  If her requests seem to fit this pattern, she is asking for what she needs most emotionally, namely, your undivided attention.  Of course, all children need attention; but for one who receives love most deeply this way, the requests for time together will greatly outnumber all the others.”

4.  Notice what your child most frequently complains about. Of course, all children complain at times, and it can sometimes be about an immediate desire and not be related to an unmet emotional need.  but if the complaints fall into a pattern, it may be an indication that the need for a particular love language is not being met.  Jacob is our child with the love language of Physical Touch, and he will often say, “I need more cuddle time.”

5.  Give your child a choice between two options. You might say, “I have some extra time this evening.  Would you rather read a book together or have me fix your bike tire?”  Choices like this will indicate whether your child would prefer Quality time or Acts of Service.  If you pay attention over time, you will be able to recognize a pattern that reveals your child’s love language.

This book is a gold mine, if you want to learn to better express your love to your children.  Reading and re-reading it motivates me time and time again to do all that I can to make sure that my kids know how much I love them.  We try to make sure we are giving them all five of the love languages, even though we have clues about which ones may be their primary love language.  Here are a couple of ideas our family implements:

1.  My husband Tom started a wonderful tradition a couple years ago.  When each boy has a birthday, he gets a special day with Dad.  Tom takes the birthday boy on a day-long outing, just the two of them.  Tom makes sure they do something that allows for lots of conversation, like going fishing or to a museum.  Every year when they have a birthday, they get a new adventure.  This is great for meeting the boys’ needs for Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.  (They have man-to-man talks.)

2.  We still spend time with the boys at bedtime, even though they are old enough to go to bed by themselves.  Yes, I plan to ride this train as long as possible!  As long as they’ll have me, I’ll spend time with them at bedtime.  We read books and talk about the day (Quality Time), tell them how much we love them (Words of Affirmation), and give hugs, cuddle time, or back scratches (Physical Touch).  Three in one!  Like all multi-tasking moms, I love accomplishing three things at once!

I hope you feel encouraged by this message.  It makes me feel better equipped to know that I have all of these “tools in my toolbox.”  When you give your child a pat on the back, it counts! When you really listen and make eye contact, it counts! when you spend 20 minutes reading a book to them, or sew a button on a shirt, or give them even a small gift, it counts! As a parent, you have an incredibly powerful impact on your child’s life.  Any act of love, no matter how small, matters to your child.  And when it is spoken in their love language, it’s like you’ve turned up the volume, and they hear it loud and clear.

Application:

To find out more about how to figure out your child’s love language, and then practical ideas on how to meet that need, read the book The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.  the book also has helpful chapters on discipline and the love languages, learning and the love languages, anger and love and more.

Use the above tips to hunt for clues to your child’s love language.  It’s one of the most worthwhile treasure hunts of all time.  Then begin to express your love in the ways your child needs most.

About the Author: Carrie Hoffman is a professionally trained Life Coach and independent facilitator of the Love and Logic parenting class “Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun”.  She provides parenting classes and parent coaching and has spoken at numerous MOPS groups in the Denver area.  If you enjoyed this article, visit www.EmbraceLifeParenting.com to receive a FREE Parenting Report “25 Keys to Raising Responsible Kids”.  You can also contact Carrie here for a complimentary consultation if you are curious about parenting classes or parent coaching.