Should You Be Running Your Kid’s Life?

Well that’s a silly question! Of course you should. But there’s more than one way to do that, and those ways have very different results. Jim Fay, co-founder of Parenting with Love and Logic, describes three types of parents: “drill sergeants, helicopters, and consultants.”

Some parents run their kids’ lives by being a drill sergeant. They bark orders like, “Clean up your room” and “Don’t roll your eyes at me!”

Other parents hover over their kids like helicopters, rescuing them from any and all consequences. They unintentionally send the message, “You’re fragile. Without me, you’d be a real mess.”

Other parents operate like consultants. They take excellent care of themselves and they gently hand the child’s problems back to them in a loving way. Then they let the consequences do the teaching.

“Here’s how I’ll run my life”

Wise parents spend very little time telling their kids how to run their lives. They spend more time telling their kids how they will run their own lives. They say things like:

—”I give dessert to kids who finish their dinner.” (Instead of, “You clean your plate or there’s no cupcake for you!”)

—”I listen to kids who don’t whine. I’ll be happy to listen when your voice is as calm as mine. (Instead of, “You stop that whining!”)

—”I set up playdates for kids who are pleasant when it’s time to leave.” (Instead of, “You quit making all that fuss or we’re never doing this again!”)

See the difference? The truth is, we can’t really control another person. (The bigger they get, the less you can control them.)

Wise parents don’t try to control things they can’t control, and they don’t get into battles they can’t win.

Enforceable Statements

Love and Logic calls this “Enforceable Statements” and that’s exactly what they are. Think about this the next time you feel exasperated by something your child does, and make a statement that you can enforce.

Let’s fast forward a few years to see how very important this is. Ken’s daughter Susan went on a few dates with a boy she liked. Ken noticed that Susan often seemed a little down when she returned from these dates, so he asked her about it. Susan opened up and said that the boy verbally put her down. She didn’t like that.

Having grown up in a Love and Logic home, she had seen how people take good care of themselves. And she was very familiar with Enforceable Statements.

The next time the boy called, she told him she didn’t want to go out again. The reason? “Sorry Matt, but I like to spend my time with boys who treat me with respect. I won’t be going out with you again.”

You see, parents who take good care of themselves teach their kids to do the same. And the reverse is true too. Parents who don’t take good care of themselves teach their kids to put up with bad treatment from others. Parents who take good care of themselves create strong, happy, secure kids.

About the Author:  Carrie Hoffman is a professionally trained Life Coach and independent facilitator of the Love and Logic parenting class “Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun™”.   She provides parenting classes and parent coaching and has spoken at numerous moms’ groups in the Denver area.  If you enjoyed this article, visit www.EmbraceLifeParenting.com to receive a FREE Parenting Report “25 Keys to Raising Responsible Kids”.  You can also contact Carrie at Info@EmbraceLifeCoach.com for a complimentary consultation if you are curious about parenting classes or parent coaching.

To learn more: Jim Fay, one of America’s top parenting experts, talks about this on the CD “Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants”. (audio CD, 80 minutes, $13.95 at www.LoveandLogic.com). As with all of Love and Logic’s materials, it’s full of great stories that will make you laugh and smile. If you want to take a next step after reading this article, the CD is an easy way to deepen your knowledge of these concepts.