Where Did You Come From?

Have you ever wanted to ask your spouse this? Are there things that he or she does that baffle you? Sometimes it’s just little things, like this:

I grew up saying that we needed to get something out of the freezer so it could “unthaw”. We always said that in my family. For example, “We can’t make hamburgers tonight, because we didn’t let the hamburger unthaw.”

I never realized this was unusual (or grammatically incorrect) until my husband pointed it out. I argued with him, insisting that the process of going from frozen to unfrozen was called “unthawing”. He countered with, “To unthaw would be to freeze. Does a farmer say he’s waiting for the spring ‘unthaw’? No, it’s called the Spring Thaw.”

A little lightbulb went on over my head. Darn it, he was right! (I hate when that happens.) But because I grew up using that term, I assumed it was correct and made sense to everyone. There’s nothing quite like marriage to point out your little idiosyncrasies, is there?

Bigger Differences

The same thing happens in more important areas too. Areas like spending money, raising kids, and celebrating holidays are all affected by what we experienced growing up.

One of the sessions of the Relationship Coaching program I do with couples looks at each person’s Family of Origin, in terms of “Closeness” and “Flexibility”. Closeness refers to how emotionally connected you feel to another person. It is a balance of separateness and togetherness. Flexibility refers to how open to change couples and families are in their relationships. It describes the amount of change that occurs in leadership, role relationships, and relationship rules, among other things.

Depending on what your experience growing up was like, you probably have different expectations for how close and flexible your relationship should be. Two of the questions I ask couples to consider during this session are:

1. What DO you want to bring from your family of origin to your current relationship?

2. What DON’T you want to bring from your family of origin to your current relationship?

These questions help couples be proactive as they make family choices. Try them out this week.

Application Ideas

Here are some suggestions for improving your couple dynamics, from Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths by Dr. David Olson and Amy Olson.

1. If you are not happy with the closeness in your relationship, talk about how you can achieve a more satisfying balance of separateness and togetherness.

2. If you are not happy with the flexibility of your relationship, discuss how you can achieve a more satisfying balance of stability and change.

3. Remember that communication is the facilitating factor for negotiating and making changes in your relationship.

4. Be aware that you will often repeat styles you learned from your family of origin, especially under stress.

Use these ideas to have a great discussion with your spouse this week! Now I’ve got to run . . . I’ve got a chicken to unthaw.

About the Author:  Carrie Hoffman is a professionally trained Life Coach, specializing in helping couples to build and maintain a strong marriage during their busiest parenting years.  She provides coaching for couples and has spoken at numerous moms’ groups in the Denver area.  If you enjoyed this article, visit www.EmbraceLifeCoach.com to receive a FREE Special Report “How to Speak so Your Spouse Will Listen” and audio training program “Connecting with Your Spouse on a Whole New Level”.  You can also contact Carrie at Info@EmbraceLifeCoach.com for a complimentary consultation if you are curious about relationship coaching.